


The Hill

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 18:51:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6341158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Jackson's thoughts leading up to his death. <br/>Written in 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hill

The Hill

I've been awake a while, just lying here watching Aaron sleep, not that I can do anything else. Sleep, think and watch the world go by... that's just about all I can do these days.

He looks so peaceful, if only that peace lingered through his waking hours too, but it doesn't, it evaporates the second he opens his eyes. My fault, I'm putting him through hell I know, some... most people would say it's a selfish need on my part, and it is, I know it is but if they were to spend just five minutes in my head they would understand how great a need, how overwhelming a need it is.

I'm trapped in body that doesn't work, held prisoner against my will. I hate it, I hate every second of this endless captivity. I want to get up and walk, run, swim. I want to touch, feel... I want to be able to physically love Aaron, I miss that part of our relationship so much. I miss my old life desperately; I ache to be the man I was... I detest what little is left of him now.

So much has been taken from me and I'm never going to get it back, not ever. My life as it is now is unbearable, it's mental torture. The days stretch out endlessly before me, the thought of another fifty, sixty maybe even more years like this horrifies me, I can't do it, I won't do it. So today the nightmare ends.

I know that it will be over for me but not for Aaron, not for my mum. Not for those who love and care about me. Not for a while, that for a time it will be hard, at times it will seem impossible, but it won't be, they'll grieve and then they'll move on.

A sigh escapes Aaron's lips and I wonder if he's dreaming. I had a dream last night, not a bad dream, it wasn't one of those nonsensical dreams either, that on opening your eyes has you wondering what the heck it was about? No strangely this one had a message, a meaning, one I'm clinging desperately to.

In my dream it was a warm and sunny day, much like today is expected to be. Me and Aaron were out walking somewhere, yes walking! I could actually feel the earth beneath my feet, and I was blissfully aware of every step I took and of Aaron's hand wrapped around mine. He was holding on so tightly, scared to let go. Then after a while we came to a hill, we knew we couldn't go around it, that we had to go up and over it to get to where we were going. But I knew I didn't have the strength to get to the top of that hill. We plodded on up though, and the more we walked the steeper it got and the further away the crest of the hill appeared to be.

I wanted to stop, sit down, give up, but Aaron kept saying 'No, we'll get there, if we keep trying, if we keep going, if we set our minds to it.' But I was so tired, exhausted, I'd had enough, I just couldn't go on, I didn't want to go on... and then he said he'd carry me... that he would get us there!

But I didn't want to be that heavy burden; I didn't want him to make the endless gruelling climb. So I told him he had to let go of my hand, that he had to leave me behind.

I knew I was asking the impossible, I knew I was breaking his heart, and the asking didn't come easy... my heart was breaking too.

For me he found the courage, for me he found the strength, and he let go of my hand, he let me close my eyes and rest.

I know he's going to show the exact same courage today, the very same kind of strength, I know he's going to be holding on to my hand, holding on to me so very tightly ... but then when I ask him, with the very same kind of love and devotion he'll be able to let me go...

End


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